Team Gaki Presents
Team Leader: Rich Translators: BakaDollie GakiNoSuitGuy Shion (Mauro) Mickstar Shizentaisuu DCSubs tuna EcksDee Solarwings Typesetters: catpanda Hikarii Sacro pencillover12 Cherry Sevendayheaven hachiagejo Karaoke: Konohana Niji Translation Check: Oolong Quality Checkers: James John Dread
That's the smell of citrus fruits
Citrous?
Those rancid smelling things, right?
You mean citrus fruits?
Citrous?
What's this guy's deal, really?
What's he doing?
What's so funny?
What are you laughing at?
His face when he laughs is dangerous
You mean citrus fruits?
Citrous?
That's enough, let's skip past this
We're doomed
Really...
I'd like him to stop saying "Citrous"
Citrous?
Jimmy's legend will continue
It says it will continue
They're eager to do it too
They are eager to get it all in, Tanaka
You guys are in for a treat
At Omame Police Station there is a really heinous criminal imprisoned here
Today we have a special opportunity to meet him, so let's go
Calling it lucky doesn't seem very... Accurate
This seems kinda cool
Yeah
I don't wanna see
Meeting a terribly heinous criminal!!
Omame Police Station's Prison
Savage
This is scary...
Prison
There are seats inside, have a seat
What is this...?
This is so scary
Heinous criminal
Scary
So scary
T/N: Yoshimoto Creative Agency employs most of Japan's top comedians. Both Downtown and Cocorico work under Yoshimoto.
(Yoshimoto Creative Agency)
Itao Itsuji
That's the heinous criminal Professor Itao
What is this?
He's really staring at us
He's REALLY staring at us
We know him, but he's like a completely different person
For sure
Professor Itao
This imprisoned former psychiatrist was a bizarre type of serial killer
He has a tremendously
high intelligence quotient
ya kn
high intelligence quotient you know
You're a fool with a low IQ...
You can't even speak properly
Professor Itao's ability
Can perform psychoanalysis from casual conversation
You stuttering fatass
Why?
He's got quite the chest, eh?
But why...
They're bigger than they should...
I was thinking about that too
He's got tits
It's not a D-cup though
Barely there
Psychoanalyzing the group
Yeah, small
Fish lips
Yes?
You figured out that you are "fish lips" all by yourself?
Well, the others were...
What are you like when you eat cod roe?
T/N: Cod roe is a common side dish to eat with rice.
What?
Can't get away...
What the hell are you asking me?
He just went straight for it
He's quick to the punch
Yeah, yeah...
Fish-lipped boy
What is the best thing to eat in the winter?
That'd be hot pot
What do you put in that hot pot?
Tofu and...
So you like tofu?
It's not like I absolutely
love it though
What is your favorite thing to put in a hot pot?
Generally, hot pot
will include things like tofu
What, what is this...
Let's make a compromise
If one of you doesn't compromise...
He just keeps talking
It's because you didn't compromise, Hamada-san
Fish Lips
You're pretty good atsocializing
at socializing
He stuttered
But the truth is you hate everyone
Hamada's Psychoanalysis
Good at socializing, but hates everyone
So it's that kind of analysis
Just now?
Does he actually know?
He's staring...
Midget storyteller
I'll have you solve a puzzle
Psychoanalysis through puzzles
He's trying to get in your head
Repeat after me
OK
How is Nihon Television
like two grand slams?
The answer?
BALLS!!
Balls?
He said the answer. What's the point?
I don't get it
All of you have revealed your inner secrets to me
Professor Itao Reveals his Secret
Thus I shall too
Look
There's something weird here
Wait...
Hold up
Those are pretty good!!
What do you mean 'pretty good'?
What do you mean "Those are pretty good!?"
Professor Itao's Secret
He has realistic breasts
You thought they're small
They looked pretty small when clothed
The size of his clothes...
They're the kind that look smaller with clothes on
I'm going to sleep Leave!
LEAVE!
I think we should go everyone
That was insane
That really was bizarre
Absolutely terrifying
Just as they pass the 12 hour mark of their shift
12 hours of work at the police station
Participating in a debrief about dangerous persons
Guarding several different places
We'll have you shadow them in here
Meeting Room
With "High Heels," a group from Downtown's generation
You would never expect this
Veterans
They seem to have a lot to talk about
This is the Heipo State Omame Police Station's
dangerous person debrief, shall we begin?
To confirm...
This meeting is about people who exhibit suspicious behavior
The investigators will report their findings on suspicious people they observed
Dangerous Person Debrief
we'll be having you announce your findings here today.
OK
Does anybody have someone?
Yes
Katsumata
About Downtown's Matsumoto
Recently his old age has started to sour his nature
Matsumoto's Scoop
His age is starting to show
On Downtown DX, there was a magician
He asked a female celebrity to write a two-digit number on paper
then the magician said
I don't want you guys thinking I can see it, so
Mr. Matsumoto please apply a blindfold
Matsumoto then blindfolded himself
Seriously?
No, no...
That's pretty bad
Wow
Is that showing his age? Or is it something else?
What is that?
You're kidding
That's a sign he should retire!!
He should retire if that's the case
Anyone else?
On the topic of old age...
Both Hamada and Matsumoto
Matsumoto and Hamada's Scoop
A story from their youth ①
T/N: New Star Creation is a program by Yoshimoto Agency to train and develop new entertainment talents
A long time ago, they would often peek at women from New Star Creation while they were changing
They'd peep from below using a mirror.
Then, when the curtains opened
They got their ass beat by all of them!!
That happened!!
Got their ass beat?
They were peeping at a girl changing
Peeping
Completely peeping!!
What are you talking about!?
Matsumoto liked Ringo and Hamada liked Momoko
T/N: The lady on the left is Ringo and the lady on the right is Momoko.
Matsumoto and Hamada Scoop
A story from their youth ②
Matsumoto liked Ringo and Hamada liked Momoko
Knock it off, stop them!
This is particularly bad
Yeah
Anyone else?
This is another old age story, but...
Hamada...
Hamada's Scoop
Underwear story
He shit his pants quite thoroughly
T/N: Natsumi is Hamada's wife.
Natsumi said "This is bad enough you should throw it away"
"But this is my favorite pair... Please wash them!!" he says
Having no choice, she pretended to wash it, then secretly threw it away
Normally Hamada won't mind this, but
Surprisingly,
he said, "I really liked that pair..."
He was depressed for a while
Is that true?
"I really liked that pair"
Even though they were soiled
No matter what, he wanted to wear that pair
Yes
It's regarding Downtown Matsumoto
T/N: The guy currently speaking is Kurose.
Now, he was on location with Kurose
Matsumoto Hitoshi Files
During filming in Fukuoka
When Matsumoto comes to Fukuoka, if his face is revealed it causesa commotion
When Matsumoto comes to Fukuoka, if his face is revealed it causes a commotion
T/N: The masks they're referring to are the ones you wear to cover your mouth when coughing. However, they're also often used to hide your face. They're generally for single-use.
So when he comes to Fukuoka, he wears a mask
When filming finishes, mask
During transit, mask Then when going to a bar after dinner, mask
And then after using it a ton
We get back to the hotel and with the mask that he had used all day
He said, "I'm so tired"
Took the mask off, and then put it into a ziplock bag
Are you serious?
Serious?
That was just coincidental!!
You're rich, right?
The front was like a jute bag, all scrunched up
This is also a mask story...
But a different mask
Matsumoto Hitoshi Files
The Mask Story
I went out for dinner with Matsumoto-san
Afterwards we went to a bar
Then, our kouhai who was with us gave a gift to Matsumoto-san
A pro-wrestling mask was given to him
Matsumoto seemed really ecstatic to receive it
He then put on the mask, even though no one said, "Put it on!!"
So he put it on
And most people at that point say, 'It suits you!' and stuff like that, of course
And then Matsumoto-san - although we didn't say anything
He bared his upper body
since he's training and all
Then, when he takes his shirt off, it's obviously amazing, and our kouhais were going
"Is it really this amazing!?"
The more they said to him, Matsumoto, for some reason,
He kept asserting, "I don't work out that much"
No matter how you look at it, he clearly works out
When they said, "It's seriously amazing!!"
the more they said it, he would say, "I don't"
By the end he was saying, "I don't work out at all!!"
Saying "I don't work out at all!!" while crossing his arms, Matsumoto's chest was
On par with Hosokawa Fumie
T/N: Hosokawa Fumie is an ex-gravure idol who was popular in the 90s, also known as Fumin. She's very well known for her huge breasts.
Fumin?
You mean when she was really thin?
I wonder why
Now, now, now, anyone can speak up
It's about Tsukitei Hosei
Let's start on Hosei
It's now over 10 years since he became a Rakugo comedian
Tsukitei Hosei Files
The CM Story
He's been doing Rakugo for that time, and now he's gotten accustomed to the name Tsukitei Hosei
It was decided he'd appear in a commercial
for a Mario game for the Nintendo DS
He was to talk about Mario and Luigi from the game like a Rakugo skit for the commercial
And at the end, give a bow it's a really good commercial
There's actually 1 secret behind it...
He lowers his head
And actually, the top of his head is getting a bit thin
But in the commercial, it's not thinning
Nintendo was considerate enough to give him some extra hair with CG!!
They're all coming out
They don't stop
It's to do with Hamada
T/N: Missile Man Iwabe is the boke of the Missile Man comedian duo. They're also from Yoshimoto Agency.
I heard it from Missile Man Iwabe from Osaka
Informant
Missile Man Iwabe
Hamada takes good care of Iwabe, and when he returns to Osaka they often go out together
And then one day, when Iwabe visited Hamada at his hotel
Hamada Masatoshi Files
At an Osaka Hotel...
Hamada was a bit angry
And for some reason, you know glow sticks...
Glow stick
Light in a rod shape
He was holding just 1 of them, and a bit angrily
Why?
When he asked him, he said he didn't know why
On that day, due to something at the hotel
All rooms at 1 am in the night, would have their power cut
From the hotel, he was just given 1 glow stick
So then they decided to play cards until then
And while they were, all the lights in the room turned off
After that, he suddenly said "I need to go to the toilet"
It's completely dark
So then Iwabe got the glow stick, and Hamada went to pee
When he held the stick to light his dick, the toilet became dark
When he held it to light the toilet, his dick would be dark
He couldn't do it any other way, so Iwabe waved the glow stick at high speeds
For the after image
For the after image, the after image right
I get it, you get it right?
I don't get it
If he just went before the power cut
About Hamada, there are times when his pranks go too far
Hamada Masatoshi Files
Pranks go overboard
He himself thinks it's just him showing his love
But one time I was leaving Itami Airport
And I got suddenly attacked from behind
It had so much force I thought I would collapse from my knees down. So when I looked behind me,
Hamada was on the Itami Airport floor
going "Kya kya kya!!" laughing
I was going "Ouchhh"
"It was a joke" he laughed just by himself
The joke bombed around the whole of Itami
There are tons of people there!
Everyone in the Itami area
It bombed around the whole of Itami
From the bystanders' view, it's just plain violence
That's his home ground though, you could say
This isn't about cheating or anything, but..
It's about Komoto
T/N: Komoto is the guy in the green jacket and red tie.
Komoto Junichi Files
Counseling
T/N: Daigo is the guy currently talking.
Komoto came, and like, asked Daigo for some advice
Advice?
About his dick having problems getting up
And then Daigo, with a serious expression on his face that you can't laugh at
Was considering what could be done
Since Komoto has helped Daigo out a lot
He wanted to repay the favor, but it's not like there's anything we could do
So with Komoto - it wasn't like cheating
For starters, meet with a girl and talk
In the case that while having dinner, by one of her cute actions, his dick stood up
Then it would've been a good meeting and we could call it a success
So, while we're having dinner, if it stood up
He was to pop up his collar
Ah, easily visible
And then we can call it quits
So, we all got to our seats
And then the girl I had invited came, so I went to pick her up
She went in the booth first, and then I entered
By the time I entered Komoto's collar was like that of a Cabaret club boss, it was popped so far
What do you mean??
That was fast
He was quite quick
He didn't have anything to worry about
Yeah, if it was that fast, it was fraud
He just wanted to do that
He was just using you?
Yes, Komoto?
Regarding the man known as Daigo
Daigo Files
Komoto's trouble solved!?
So when Komoto was having troubles with his lower half
Daigo was his consultant and was listening to his woes
He had a fair bit to drink
T/N: Yakitori is grilled chicken skewers.
And while munching on a pretty big yakitori, the top item at that joint,
"Bro, you don't have enough stimuli for it,"
is what he suddenly said
"What do you mean Daigo, not enough stimuli?"
"There's 1 lady who listens to everything I say"
Komoto!!
"How about you sneak into the hotel room
Komoto!!
while we are embracing?"
Komoto!
What was that?
Komoto!
You can't do that, Daigo!
Komoto...
You have a dirty mouth
Dirty mouth!!
It's just a joke while having a drink, I don't do anything like that
Daigo is really, extremely fast, his actions I mean
Tsuda is also fast!
Tsuda also! Tsuda is!
Tsuda, the other day
Tsuda Atsuhiro Files
At Oita...
He went to a brothel in Oita and after he paid by card
The invoice came from Russia!!
What!?
Scary
What's with that?
That's dangerous
The invoice came from Russia
That's scary, was it okay?
What's with that?
No one gives a damn about this story!!
You started it!
9:30 pm
13.5 hours since starting police duty
At this time, Hamada notices 1 piece of equipment
Police Handbook Hidden in Their Pockets
Oh, phew
It wasn't just me
Oh everyone had one, I didn't notice
To be honest
When we were on the bus, I noticed
And thought it may have just been me
So, there must be something...
Must be something...
They must have something set up
Yes. Just as Matsumoto predicts...
The Police Handbooks Hidden On All 5 Members
Will Lead to a Turbulent Climax!!
These handbooks will create waves just after this
14 hours since starting police duty
To the 5 members who are showing their exhaustion,
A Huge Incident That Rocks The Police Station!!
A huge incident that rocks the police station will occur
Station Announcement
Emergency situation! A murder has occurred within the station
All personnel to gather in the auditorium immediately!!
An unbelievable incident has occured!!
Can you come to the auditorium straight away?
A murder has occurred in the police building. Gather at the auditorium!!
Emergency
What could've happened?
Inside of the police building?
Does this kind of thing really happen?
This again
Auditorium
There are chairs ahead, so please take a seat
All the police have gathered to a scene that invokes memories
Over here
What is this?
The pattern is the same as usual but...
Just now, at our police station
we have received news that the murderer of a wealthy family has escaped our police station
Police Chief
Daikichi Hakata
I will now try to find the killer among you
In the case that we do find the killer, then we will carry out the punishment on the spot
And the punishment is this...
Stunning Slap Machine, Chono-kun
I see
To see just how hard this machine can slap
He looks so relieved
Let's have you watch
Please bring that in
Well, it's just as an example
Experimental slap on the Hosei dummy to test its power
A dummy named, "Hosei-kun"
We will use this Hosei-kun for the slap
Stunning Slap Machine Chono-kun, what kind of power does it possess?!
Countdown for the Slap Machine Chono-kun
Go!
The culprit will get a slap like this
You understand, right?
Now let's begin the search for the criminal
God damn!!
What the hell are you fools doing?!
You can't be serious!!
The real Masahiro Chono BUSTS IN!!
B-
b-
busts
BUSTS IN!!
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Well, with the Slap Machine...
Well, um, this year, Chono-san...
A Slap Machine!? Don't mess with me, you bastard!
Chono-san, it's because you said "I will not slap anymore"
It was lip service
No, no, no, no
It ended with just 1 sentence
No, no, no, no
It was all lip service
Friday September 22nd Issue
Just with those words, it has all been taken back
What the hell
Hey you, explain this
Then I will explain it from the beginning
There was a brutal incident in which all members of a wealthy family were murdered
Unfortunately, there are no survivors
However,
The family's
beloved dog, Dolphin-chan, was the only one unharmed
It most certainly remembers the smell of the culprit
The beloved pet dog, Dolphin-chan, was at the crime scene and remembers the smell of the culprit
The murder of a wealthy family
If Dolphin-chan smells the culprit, without exception
she should bark!!
If she smells the culprit, she will bark!!
Let's bring Dolphin-chan out here for everyone
Beloved dog of the wealthy family
Dolphin-chan
Chono-san, please take the lead from here on
I got it
Investigation to find the culprit among the policemen START
Hey!! You guys understand the situation, right?
You fools, take out your notebooks
It's in your damn pockets
A police notebook has been inserted into their pockets
Take out your notebooks
Confirmation through smelling notebooks If Dolphin barks, then that must be the culprit!!
She will smell all 5 of their notebooks. If Dolphin-chan barks, then that person must be the culprit!
Tanaka, give me your notebook
Are you okay?
Yes sir
Let's find the truth
Is the culprit you, Tanaka?!
Tanaka?!
It's not
No reaction!!
Tanaka is innocent
Endo
Could it be you?
It's not
No?
Is the culprit you?!
you?!
It's not
No reaction!!
Endo is also innocent
Thank you very much
Are you okay?
Yes
Honestly?
Yes
Is the culprit you?!
you?!
It's not
No reaction!!
Hamada is also innocent
You two are left
Matsumoto, let me borrow your notebook
Touching Matsumoto with his notebook
What are you doing?
Is the culprit you, Matsumoto!?
Matsumoto?!
It's not
The culprit is Matsumoto?!
Stop it already
It came from Dolphin-chan herself
Just a minute...
Were you a the crime scene?
I wasn't. I truly was not
Hosei-kun was rubbing his notebook on me
Hey!
Do him in, please!!
Before that
I will check (Hosei) too to confirm
Yes, please do that
Alright, sit down.
But wait...
Dogs always tell the truth
The culprit is you, Hosei, isn't it?!
No, it's Matsumoto!!
isn't it?!
It's Matsumoto!!
Dolphin, is it wrong?
Dolphin-chan won't bark...
Dolphin?
It's you!! Isn't it?
But it barked when it came to Matsumoto
Dolphin-chan... It's not true, right?
It's Matsumoto!!
By default, Dolphin-chan should be barking at Hosei...
Following the usual pattern Dolphin-chan is supposed to bark at Hosei
Instead, Matsumoto is barked at in this strange turn of events!
In the chaos of the scene the atmosphere has grown tense and unnerving
It's not you?
It's not
This kind of thing can happen too
Yes
Alright
Matsumoto, get up on stage!!
For real?
In the unexpected twist Daikichi appears
Matsumoto, those things can happen
Chono-san, please do what you need to do with Matsumoto-san
Are you prepared?
Bu-... Wha... What is it?
Even things beyond imagination can happen...
Imagination.
It's important that we go with the flow
Dolphin-chan barked, so the slap goes to Matsumoto!!
Seriously?
This is wrong, right?
But it was really...
This can't be helped!!
No no, this can't be right
But it can't be helped!!
For starters please go up there
Please
Going with the flow and continuing with the slap punishment!!
Matsumoto
Wait Chono-san, let's confirm once more...
The dog can't help it
The dog reacted to your smell!!
Do you understand?
You say, "The dog can't help it," but I don't understand why that's the reason...
You can't weasel out of it Matsumoto. It's impossible
It can't be helped
I'm sweating
We were all examined though
Wait really...
That's right
We didn't know who it would bark at
Wh-
wh-
what will you do?
The same as I do every year
Are you being for real right now?
You always anticipate this
But this is different from usual
What the hell are you doing with your hands?
What is it that you are always looking forward to?
That's right
Seriously, please just accept it!!
But Chono-san, I...
Eh!! I don't know if this is for real, but
Because this is unexpected, there are years when it'd turn out like this
Unexpected indeed...
Because this is unexpected, there are years when it'd turn out like this
Alright, come here
You will be fine, Matsumoto
PYAH!!!
You'll be fine
My ears rung!!
My ears are ringing!!
It really hurt
My ears were ringing just now!!
Wait really, ehh... Is this real?
Wow, that's amazing!!
Prepare yourself!!
Be a man!!
Wait, it's coming for real, right?
It's coming!! It's definitely coming!!
Stay right here
Show that you are a man
I know it, it's definitely coming for real
You are so noisy!!
It can't be helped
Chono-san, are you for real?
Matsumoto
Please!!
You got a complaint?!
No
Alright, since there aren't any...
You really are intending to do it!!
I can tell!!
Matsumoto!!
Yes?
Make up your mind and prepare!!
It's insanely hot
Prepare yourself
Close your mouth!!
At last, the moment of the slap punishment
I'm scared, so scared